Insecure? Me? Never unless you count right now.

Never, in my whole life, have I ever considered myself insecure in who I am. Never have I thought that I'm not sure who I am. Never have I once not been sure of my identity. However, I may have hit my limit. Life pretty much sucks like that. No matter what happens, sin will always find us and ruin our perfect utopia. Sin found me. It found me in a way that hits hard are right to the core of who I am.
I love attention. More than that, I love having the feeling that I am special and that I can make other people admire me and think I am cool. It feels even better with girls than it could ever with guys, so the main way that this makes itself shown is in flirtation.
This never seemed like a big deal to me. Every once in a while, my sister asks me to tone it down a bit so that she can actually be with her friends but I never took any notice. However, when I am convicted of it by my pastor and mentor along with two of my friends, I start to think that maybe things are getting out of hand. Majorly out of hand.
What do I do now? Apologize -- I already did that multiple times. Pray -- definitely, I need more prayer than ever before. But how do I change. I need to actually change my life, change my actions, change my very being. Everything I have been living for for years has been the fulfillment of my desires. Especially this one singular, overwhelming desire for attention and love. I feel that my life is falling apart. Every day I am convicted of another sin that, I find, rules another aspect of my life at swimming, at home, at school, at church...
More than any other feeling, though, is the need to confess. I need forgiveness from God, my lord and master, for there is no release from guilt except through confession. Psalm 32:3-5 says, 3For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

5I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,'
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin"

This I shall do, day in and day out, hour by hour, minute upon minute. The Lord is my strength and my shield, my leader and deliverer, my ever present help in time of need and I feel I may never have had more need. Help me O Lord of hosts for without You, I shall surely fall off the edge of this path through the valley of the shadow of death.

First for real

Well, as it seems that this thing really works, I'll give it a go! Perhaps I should clarify why I am doing this. To tell the truth, I don't really know. However, I do know that my mind is regularly filled with complicated problems and issues that also fill my life. Working these problems out on paper (or a keyboard) may make these problems easier to understand and fix. So without further ado, I shall begin throwing all the junk that fills my mind into your mind and see if you start thinking I'm a piece of crap...

Why does God love me? That is a question I have been struggling with for the past few weeks. Why, in spite of all my sin and failures, does God still love me. Sin rules my life. Every waking moment of my day is spent in sin. Big sin. Little sin. Sin that creeps into my mind and begins controlling my actions without me even knowing it. I sin against God every second yet I know that He still loves me. How can this be? Grace that is greater than all my sin? But why does He give that grace, that love, that forgiveness? What have I ever done to deserve it? I have done nothing; in fact I have done the exact opposite and deserve all of His wrath and judgment.

I begin again next time but for now I must go.

Here goes nothing

This is a test...... yadayadayada